I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
