It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
