he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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