things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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