I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
