we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
