I cut my penus on the lid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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