U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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