I wannas sexs uuuuu
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
