i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My pussy is not your playground.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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