wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My cat gives me a boner
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize