he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
