Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
where are my eyebrows?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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