Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize