wanna go halves on a baby?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
