Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
