oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
