she woke up with a sticky ear
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
