im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Be still, my beating vagina.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
