i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
