there's paper in my vomit.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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