using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
