her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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