I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
