I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
