My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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