Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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