Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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