I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
