my vag is so smooth its legendary
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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