Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
