You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
