We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize