I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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