The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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