textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
