Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
