I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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