remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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