I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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