i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
