tell your sister to shave her snatch
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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