It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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