I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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