my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
