I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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