i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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