i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
