I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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