Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
