I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
