Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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