i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize