i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
