Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
