Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
